New Diet Plan : SPANX

So it's the end of winter and now we all are panicking about the fact that we ate ourselves into a coma all season and have some extra fluff around the belly. You can try those P90X shits and see if they work for you but I don't have that level of discipline. Literally, I do a ten minute workout daily and that's all I can handle. You gym brats can suck a fat one.

So for those of us who hate sweating here is my diet plan that is sure to help you shed some pounds and keep you sane while doing it. It's called SPANX, and it stands for Smoothies, Pinot, And Nightly Xanax. Let's break it down...

Smoothies: Super easy to make. Just buy a bunch of healthy shit, blend it up, and chug. Keeps you full without packing on loads of calories and is healthy so you can brag about it while you are falling over drunk on a sidewalk later that night.

Pinot: You're choice of Noir or Grigio. I'm a Grigio Gay so that's my choice, but if you want stained teeth I'm not gonna stop you. Either way, this alcohol is classy enough that you don't have to feel bad about yourself if you drink a lot of it, but it still gets the job done.

Nightly Xanax: So like obviously we all need something to take the edge off and if the Pinot isn't quite doing it, pop a Xanny and call it a night. The reason I say "nightly" is because we don't want to miss the summer that we got our bodies into shape for because we are in rehab or jail for giving BJs for Xanax. Not speaking from personal experience, but let's just say I know people.

So that's the plan. Get to it. Do it. Do it.