Online Dating Horrors

Dating in the gay scene isn't easy and here's why. The first problem is options. For me, I'm over the mollied up twinks at the nearest gay rave who sweat glitter and vogue. So when it comes to meeting a guy at a bar/club that's out. Then there is the way that people can meet other people in the straight world, and that's ANYWHERE. If you are straight the odds are if you see someone attractive you can spark conversation and start your flirt game. If you accidentally stumble upon a gay person in your flirting by accident the gay person will most likely not be offended. Now let's flip that. If I see a hot dude and go up to him and start flirting, I could be setting myself up to get beat worse than Rihanna. So when it comes to just meeting people naturally, that's out. As gays what do we have left? Online dating. Yes, it's lame and, yes, I hate it but it's all we've got. My issue isn't really with dating online, it's with the way people think they need to behave online. So here are some of the types of gays that I hate most online:

• The hyper intellectuals. These guys fill their profiles out as if they have five PhDs in fucking particle physics. I literally saw someone use the words 'archaic conjecture' in their profile. Like what the fuck are you doing with your life? I am not impressed by your ability to use a thesaurus and nobody talks like that. We all know that in real life you aren't reading Nietzsche over a cup of black coffee so lose the image. 

• The "howdy" dudes. Anyone who starts a conversation with "howdy" will be ignored and judged harshly as an individual. I have never heard anyone start a conversation with the word "howdy" in real life and if I ever did I'd put a hit out on them. Like of all the ways to say "hi" you choose "howdy"? No. Just no.

• The "________". If you are going to go online and make a profile then fill it out. If all I can see is one picture and your age/height then I'm going to assume you either aren't who you say you are in your pictures or you are just looking to get laid. I once had someone contact me who was using T. Millz as their picture. Pretty clever since nobody but me knows who T. Millz is but tough luck for the fucker trying to pretend to be him. 

• The obsessives. The beauty about online dating is that you don't have to respond to every person who messages you. This concept, however, isn't grasped by everyone. Some guys get really pissed when you ignore them and then begin a barrage of insults about why they think you are single most of which are based on your "stuck up attitude". Save the insecurity issues for your psychiatrist, please. 

• The elderly. Nothing is worse than when a guy that could be my father messages me with some one liner from 1965. If I can watch an episode of "I Love Lucy" and hear your pickup line used by one of the characters then you are too fucking old. Go change your depends, take a shot of prune juice, and get the hell out of my life. 

So, gays, be careful when you date online. It's a step up from a random hookup with a guy who you will forget in a week but it comes with its own set of annoying individuals that will try to ruin your life.