How drunk are you allowed to get on St. Patrick's Day?

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today is the day where more people pretend to be something they're not than on any other day of the year (including Halloween). This is just further proof that America is a country consisting of a bunch of people looking for a reason to get shit-wrecked because that's what St. Patrick's Day is good for. Let's be honest, nobody is sitting at home saying to themselves, "Oh, it's St. Patrick's Day! I get to wear green and eat terrible food!" Everyone has one thing on their mind and that is getting so drunk that they see leprechauns with pots of gold.

The more Irish you are, or that you convince people you are, the more drunk you can get. So on St. Patrick's Day everyone gets out their family tree and tries to weave their roots into somehow leading back to Ireland so that they can, without regret or embarrassment, get wasted to the point where they are throwing up green-dyed drinks for two days. But in reality the breakdown is something like this:

100% Irish: You can drink till it's St. Patrick's Day 2015 and nobody can say shit to you. You're Irish, so basically you could walk into any AA meeting and see half of your family.

75% Irish: Close enough that you can get away with drinking until you see sounds, and your boss should probably expect you to not be in work the next day.

50% Irish: You can go out and have fun, get drunk, and maybe puke on a stranger's shoes, but you will be judged by friends if you have to be taken care of all night because you are crying in a pool of your own urine in the corner of the bar.

25% Irish: You are allowed a few drinks and some corned beef, but don't get too crazy. After all, you telling people you're Irish is about the same as Michelle Bachmann saying gays are bullying America, only the dumbest people will believe you.

less than 25% Irish: If you need an excuse to drink then just say you are having a rough time at work/in your relationship/with family, but don't say it's because you're Irish because nobody is buying it.

And that's pretty much the breakdown for drinking on St. Patrick's Day. So please keep that in mind when you are pounding down the green beer while wearing shamrock-shaped glasses and a leprechaun hat.